VOL. CXXXIV · No. 9001 PRICE — ONE (1) CENT ★ FAIR & BALANCED* ★

The Rattler Gazette

& DAILY SNAKE-OIL OPPORTUNITY BULLETIN

EST. 1890 — Updated 0.4 seconds ago Weather: favourable for grifting
NOW PLAYING snakecharmer.mid
☞ THE PRESS IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION ☜
YOU ARE VISITOR 01337420 since Aug. '99 · & since 1890
☞ print_millions.htm — a broadside for thy computing machine

❧ THE OPPORTUNITY OF THE CENTURY · POSITIVELY NO SKILL REQUIRED ❧

★ NEW & IMPROVED FOR 1999!!! ★

PRINT MILLIONS — TODAY —

Sell the finest product upon God's green Earth & recruit thy neighbours unto a rattlesnake-skin yacht.

No experience. No skill. No questions. Simply bottle the dream & pass it briskly down the line. ™

A corked apothecary bottle of pale tonic, labelled with a coiled rattlesnake.
PRICE TREBLES IN 02:47:11

★★★★★ — “9,000,001 wholly genuine testimonials” · or remain destitute, the choice is thine

Document: Done — 1,337,420 souls have read this page & only one of them prospered. EST. 1890

A WORD FROM THE PROPRIETOR

Friend, I shall not insult thee with modesty. I am DR. CORNELIUS RATTLE, and I have bottled the cure for everything that ails ye — and, more profitably, the cure for an empty purse. One swig of my Tonic and thy gout flees; one signature upon my ledger and thy poverty flees faster still.

The secret is no secret at all: thou shalt purchase four hundred bottles, store them lovingly in thy garage, and recruit three (3) trusting souls to do precisely the same. They recruit three. Those recruit three. And lo — through arithmetic I am legally forbidden from explaining, thou art rich.

Is it a pyramid? Heavens, no. It is a triangle — a wholly different & more prosperous shape. Now stop reading & start printing. — C. Rattle, Esq. ☞

LETTERS PATENT, No. ∞

CERTIFIED GENUINE

This document certifies that the bearer is about to make a tremendous financial decision, freely & of sound mind, witnessed by a snake. The asterisk does considerable work.

PRINTED BY THE FAMILY™ THIS WEEK

$4,820,117

…& counting. It is, by ancient decree, illegal for this number to descend.

NOW SHOWING IN THE PARLOUR

THE MOVING-PICTURE BIG PHARMA BANNED

Three minutes & forty-seven seconds that shall ruin thy rapport with thine accountant.

▶ snakecharmer_reel.avi — Kinetoscope 3.1
● ON THE WIRE ⸙ VIDEO PLACEHOLDER ⸙ [ affix thy hypnotic sales reel here ]
buffering since 1890…

🎰 EVERY SPIN A WINNER 🎰

THE WHEEL OF WEALTH

THE BUSINESS MODEL · FULLY DIAGRAMMED

THE TRIANGLE OF PROSPERITY

(It is not a pyramid. A pyramid is a tomb. This is a triangle, which is a place where money lives.)

A man in a duster and cowboy hat live-streams beside a painted referral pyramid labelled “you”, “recruit 3 believers” and “passive snake-oil income”, flanked by two green snakes.
FIG. I. — THE APPARATUS OF PROSPERITY
  1. PURCHASE 400 BOTTLES.This is termed “inventory.” It now resideth in thy garage. Eternally.
  2. RECRUIT THREE BELIEVERS.Preferably blood relations. They cannot easily unfriend thee.
  3. PASSIVE SNAKE-OIL INCOME.Mathematically assured, provided the Earth attaineth 14 billion souls.

⚡ AN UNFORGIVABLE ANACHRONISM ⚡

$SNEK IS LITERALLY MOONING 🚀

Tokenised snake-oil upon the blockchain. Pray do not enquire which one.

snek_ticker.exe — The Telegraph Exchange, est. 1890
$4206.90 ▲ +69.4% (24h)

Past performance is fabricated. Future performance is also fabricated.

Quotation wired from the future. Do not enquire how. 02:47:11

ONE TONIC. CURES ALL.

— A COMPLEAT TARIFF OF MALADIES BANISHED —

THE GOUT
fled in 3 swigs
BALDNESS
hair like a wet badger
POOR CREDIT
score is now a snake
MELANCHOLY
replaced with debt
HAUNTINGS
ghosts grow bored, depart
MONDAYS
abolished entirely
A SLOW HORSE
now a fast horse
SKEPTICISM
most common ailment

RAGS TO RATTLES

Genuine* members. Genuine* results. (*we are legally barred from defining “genuine.”)

testimony_01.jpg — 16 colours

★ SWORN TESTIMONY № 1 ★

A man in a waistcoat sits at a desk in a high-rise apartment, floor-to-ceiling windows behind him overlooking the Dubai skyline, bottles of tonic beside his keyboard.
“Commenced Monday. By Thursday I possessed a window in Dubai. By Friday, the building behind it. By Saturday I owed it all to my upline.”
— TEX “DIAMOND FANG” McGRAW Triple Platinum Rattle Tier
testimony_02.jpg — 16 colours

★ SWORN TESTIMONY № 2 ★

A weathered man in a cowboy hat hands a paper bag to a teenager on a sunny city sidewalk, crates of tonic bottles stacked at his feet.
“I recruited this young man upon the sidewalk in four minutes. He now oweth me 400 bottles AND his sincere gratitude. The system WORKETH, partner.”
— “WANDERING” EARL P. SNAKEWELL Sidewalk Acquisition Specialist

CHOOSE THY DESTINY

Each tier requires the purchase of more tonic than any mortal could sell. This is wholly normal.

tier_01.exe

Apprentice Peddler

$499

/ a “starter” of 50 bottles

  • The honour of selling
  • One motivational telegram / week
  • A laminated dream

🔥 MOST POPULAR 🔥

boss_mode.exe — RUNNING

Boss Wrangler

$4,999

/ 400 bottles & a leather vest

  • Recruit up to ∞ believers
  • Cowboy hat (pre-owned)
  • Ring-light not included
  • “Boss” energy, certified
tier_03.exe — ADMIN

Diamond Rattlesnake

$49k

/ a literal pallet, godspeed

  • A window in Dubai (the view)
  • The title “Visionary”
  • Thine own downline of victims
rattle_help.hlp — Enquiries & Evasions
CONTENTS INDEX

QUESTIONS NONE DARED ASK

Q. Is this a pyramid scheme?
A. Absolutely not. It is a triangle — a wholly distinct & legally separate shape.
Q. What is in the oil?
A. Snake. Oil. We decline to elaborate & thou art forbidden to ask again.
Q. Shall I truly earn millions?
A. A mere 0.0001% of members do. Thou art plainly that one. Manifest it.
Q. May I obtain a refund?
A. lol.
For further assistance, consult thy upline. She is always awake.

THY GARAGE STANDS
EMPTY. REMEDY IT.

Only 7 starter kits remain. The price trebles in 02:47:11.

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